This is an archived article that was published on sltrib.com in 2016, and information in the article may be outdated. It is provided only for personal research purposes and may not be reprinted.
With the latest performances of Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump and the unusual way he has described his opponents over the months, here is how reader Dana Wilson has described what Trump might do if faced with these opponents.
Albert Einstein: "Just look at him, folks. He's a loser. He's got really, really bad hair. He's stupid.
"He's a stupid person. Name me one deal he ever closed. This guy is an idiot. He was a lousy student who couldn't pass the entrance exams to get into a decent school, a really, really great school like Wharton, where I was a really great student with really great grades. Al was a big-government employee in a patent office in Ulm. Ulm! What kind of a name is that for a city, anyway? Cities with only three letters are pitiful. Loser cities.
"Al was divorced, had extramarital affairs. He married his cousin, for God's sake. Disgusting. She wasn't even that hot.
"And he's not a Christian. He wondered whether God plays craps, is a gambler, has connections with the Mafia. Shame on him! He's not a true conservative, either, doesn't share our great values or even know about the great Ronald Reagan. He has no convictions; everything for Mr. Einstein is relative. Minority losers like Little Albert have got to be kept from immigrating into the United States until we can figure out who they really are and how to deal with them.
"Al didn't know what the hell he was doing. He assumed that everyone should understand the same kind of crazy math that he used. That's not an enumerated power in the Bill of Rights. How we do math should be decided by the states.
"Little Albert doesn't belong on center stage; it's time for him to drop out."
Abraham Lincoln: "His clothes are disgusting. He's a hick and is too ugly to be a contestant on a reality show. Look at those warts! How could anyone like a face like that? He isn't presidential. He's a low-information, undereducated white male. He's a great guy. I love guys like him, they're terrific.
"I've been told he's chronically depressed and mentally unstable. I don't know myself, but lots of important people have told me that. My mind is not made up. And the name "Abe" worries me. Is that American? I'm just asking.
"But look at his choice of wives, folks. Trust me, it sucked! His judgment is horrible. Horrible. I mean, look at Mary Todd. She's a pudgy, dour-faced nut case from flyover country and plain as vanilla pudding, not nearly as hot as a winner's wife should be. I mean, who would you like to look at in a bikini, his tubby Mary or my Melania? Give me a break folks, give me a break! This is a First Lady we're talking about. I'm great with women, by the way. No problem there despite my tiny little fingers. No one respects women more than I do. I know, I've had a bunch of them, and not one of them would say a negative word about me. I don't care.
"Trust me. They signed non-disclosure agreements.
"They used to call him 'Honest Abe.' No more, folks. He's a sleaze. Why doesn't he release his medical records? It's only fair, folks, only fair. Does he have Marfan syndrome? That's a genetic disease. He's got sick DNA. I mean I know many, many doctors who have said he does. I don't know. I leave that to the experts, but you have to wonder.
"Abe's unqualified to be Commander in Chief. He'd lose a war and ruin the U.S. economy and destroy millions of jobs. He wastes taxpayers' money going to the opera and the theater when he should be attending to the people's business.
"Ugly, crooked Abe."
Jesus Christ: "This guy is a socialist-slash-Commie, folks; I can't say for sure, but I've heard he was a good friend of Chairman Mao; he has followers in Communist China today, shady people who want to take really great jobs away from American workers.
"He wants to redistribute wealth. JC is such a loser. He couldn't do anything without his father's help.
"And who was his father, anyway? I've heard he was an Arab carpenter. I mean, I don't know for sure, I'm just asking. You've got to wonder. And why won't he release his birth certificate? Believe me. There's lots of evidence out there. He wants us to take everything we've earned by ourselves and give it to the lazy, indigent and diseased, when he's never created a single job.
"He's a great guy. He's a really great guy. JC and I got along beautifully until his disciples started saying nasty, unfair things about me. But I'm not going to stand here and turn the other cheek. I'm a counter puncher and I'm really tough. I mean, is he even a real Christian, or is he just a Muslim disguised as one? Believe me, folks, he's not an American.
"Trust me. Shabby. Disgusting. This loser needs a shave and get a haircut. He ought to buy himself a decent suit, put on a pair of Guccis instead of those disgusting scruffy sandals, and get a job. True Americans are never going to stoop to wash some smelly beggar's feet! That's not what made America great! And believe me, folks, JC wasn't fair to those bankers in the temple. They were job creators."